Script

LAW OF AVERAGES

Written by James Duesing, 1992-96

On a black screen a mechanical hand places the letters on screen to spell out the title

LAW

OF

AVERAGES

The last word hangs crooked to the right, the hand comes back in and straightens it, It then falls to the left.

Words written in stone tumble in to full screen:

DEMAND HOME ENTERTAINMENT

TRUST YOUR GOVERNMENT

CONSIDER YOUR FRIENDS YOUR CUSTOMERS

CHEW FULLY THEN SWALLOW

The words disappear and the viewer is immediately in a point of view situation in the “Big Ghost Immaterial World” a simulated reality theater.

The environment is a cloud filled sky with lots of figures in various entanglements, every one is riding some sort of space surf board. It sounds like a party is going on. Vinyla and I are riding through the crowd causing havoc.

Vinyla: Weeee! Ha ha ha!

A parking meter-headed person/object, with it’s expired sign up, is on its own surfboard. It puts its face right up into the camera.

Meterhead: Put money in me, our machines are going to fight their machines, find out about it.

Put money in me, beautiful models are standing by for your call.

Put money in me, if you’re serious about penis enlargement.

Vinyla has a turkey/vulture/buzzard head sticks its face in front of the Meterhead.

Vinyla:(whistles) Ohh! I like the fenders on your Cadillac, (aside to the camera) Come on!

Meterhead continues talking behind Vinyla.

Meterhead: Put money in me, find out about your future and fulfil any desire. Put money in me, there is a pile of diamonds on this street and you can find it. Put money in me, like to play rough or just want to talk to someone who’ll listen?

Vinyla: (to Meterhead exasperated) Will you shut up!(to camera) I have a hole or an appendage that needs some attention!

A window is floating in the air, Vinyla and I are aiming right for the window.

Vinyla: Oh no, I just washed that window.

They break through the glass and fall on the the back of a rampaging animal heading straight for a brick wall…

The screen abruptly turns off and is removed from in front of the camera in the background there are other figures with helmets on they all are either struggling or somehow engaged with things that aren’t there.

I: My time always runs out here at the Immaterial World before I’m ready to go. I guess I’m never ready to go. As I leave the building there’s a guy lying there in the transom. He says to me ‘look I’m bleeding now, something has made me bleed, something I have been trying to forget.’ He asks me to help him get to The Immaterial World on the 6th floor where I’ve just come from. You know, if someone had told me three months ago when I moved here that today I would find a man bleeding in a doorway and consider stepping over him… I don’t know. I offer to find him a cab to get to a hospital but I’ve only got that twenty in my pocket so I say I’ll be right back after I get some change and he says ‘while you’re getting my change will you pick me up a sandwich and a cream soda, make it pastrami on rye, not too much mustard’.

The camera moves out and up slowly as the scene progresses, reveling the city surrounding the Big Ghost. It is mostly a forest with residue of past construction. Words written in stone full screen:

AVOID FOREIGN COUNTRIES

ASPIRE TO WALL TO WALL CARPETING

BELIEVE IN DIVINE INTERVENTION

YELL UNTIL THEY GET IT RIGHT

Two characters walk into the foreground in front of the stone.

Realtor: Charm abounds! Move in condition is what you’ll scream when you see this next little gem!

Pray: These houses seem to need a lot of work.

Realtor: Oh, just use a little glue dear.

While they are walking by the background becomes a party

I: When I first saw you, it was at Mr. Wonderfully’s party,

There is a long pan shot/zoom out of characters at the party. In the background there is a song playing that says:

Exotic Zone: almost daily good taste and nice sound, In causal clothes we want enjoy fashion life.

#1: (while putting eye drops in) That’s a great broach.

#2: (throwing hair around and running fingers through) That’s a really great hairdo.

#3: If I don’t get a real drink soon, some one is going to have to lick my tongue.

#4: Here, taste this… it’s got sugar…

#3: uh huh.

#4: …and artificial color…

#3: uh huh.

#4: …and artificial flavor…

#3: uh huh.

#5: Where did you get it?

#6: (has a huge thing pierced through the tongue) In Loth Anglith.

#5: Didn’t it hurt?

#6: Yeth! an it sthill hurth!

#7: I dreamed I was carrying my sons legs up those stairs they weren’t as wide but they were as steep.

#8: You’re amazing!

#9: I don’t have a problem with strip mining, strip mining global warming bought me my car.

I: From the beginning you had a way about you that I could not resist. You had no lips. I used to prefer large full lips, but now for political reasons, my tastes had changed and I prefered lipless types, and that was you. It made me crazy. You were uninvited but treating the Wonderfully’s children to sugar cubes and dancing with them.

You are seen giving a group of small children candy and then dancing wildly to music , the children are bouncing up and down on the sofa.

Look you can use the sofa cushions as boomerangs! you said. Cushions and Objects d’Art were flying around the room and your lipless face.

Mrs. Wonderfully sees this and runs frantically whispering to Mr. Wonderfully. Mr. Wonderfully then grabs your arm and leads you to the door.

Wonderful, it was wonderful to have you here, we are so glad you came, Mr. Wonderfully said.

Realtor and Pray walk by in the foreground.

Realtor: Charm abounds, what a delightful and cozy, rural yet suburban hide-a-way.

Pray: Is this a suburb, or a exit ramp.

A rectangular piece of stone comes in full screen reading:

MAKE DAILY PROGRESS

HOLD YOUR PERIMETER

BRAG ABOUT YOUR ANCESTORS

BE CALLER #7 AND WIN THE FREE DINNER

In the Big Ghost Immaterial World, Vinyla is moaning with pleasure and putting a delectable cream puff thing in its mouth with its entire hand. Vinyla and I are laying in the middle of an endless table full of every imaginable type of food. Vinyla just rolls over plates and dishes to get to some other delicacy, Vinyla’s body has become obese and barely distinguishable as having a bone structure. Vinyla press food at the camera.

Vinyla: You pull this part out like this,

Vinyla pulls a goopy spore out of the pod and swallows it.

Vinyla: (continues) then you follow it with one of these.

(Vinyla picks up a glopy custard and swallows it) Oh this is great, you have to try this.

The gloppy cakey custard drips all over as Vinyla shoves it at the camera. A jelly doughnut appears and catches Vinyla’s eye.

Oh, oh look at that!

Vinyla is rustling and rolling across mounds of food …

Weeeee!!!

just before grabbing the jelly doughnut the screen blips and goes blank. The screen pulls back from I’s face and I is walking out of the Big Ghost.

I: (exhales) I better get some lunch…

In the background an announcement is being made:

Announcement: Please do not leave your bags unattended. If any one asks you to watch their bags, do not do it. Any bags or packages left unattended will be destroyed. Do not turn your engine off in the pick-up lane any vehicles stopped or left standing in the pick-up lane will be destroyed…

At the doorway there is a man with two children all are naked.

Homeless Man: If you have any spare change my children and I would appreciate a trip into the Big Ghost.

I walks by the three without looking at them. I’s face is full screen with the three in the background.

I: …and get back to work.

Suddenly a subway car races through the scene as if the camera were on a platform. The camera goes in one of the windows. I is sitting next to a passenger reading a paper that has the headline “Why We Love Vinyla” a billboard advertises the Big Ghost. Sitting on the other side of I is Realtor and Pray.

Realtor: You need to walk right in there and say, ‘ if I want to wear my high water pants and a Mickey Wig…’

Pray: Wait a minute, are you trying to manage my career, or sell me a house?

Realtor: I’m trying to sell you a house and manage your career.

The scene becomes a lab.

I: I work in the creative department of a large telecommunications firm. I compose sounds that customers think is interference and pay the company to stop playing it. The boss loves the boys and girls in creative.

The scene is divided between the lab titled GISMOLOGY and a domestic scene where people are hearing a variety of annoying sounds that could be music or audio interference over the phone and television.

A rectangular piece of stone comes in full screen reading:

RESPECT YOUR FLAG

FIGHT FOR YOUR COUNTRY

MARRY AND HAVE CHILDREN

BUY THINGS ON CREDIT

I: The first time I came to your place you were watching TV, because it helps you think. and you were living with two cats, one named Boris had been surgically altered to be more friendly…

Boris has no arms or legs is shown being laid gently next to the food bowl.

Boris: I have this idea that time is just one big long line.

I: There, there, we aren’t interested in your ideas, you would say.

While You’s hand is petting Boris.

…and the other cat you called Evil Pusskins, everyday it got bigger and more difficult to put out for the night.

You is fighting with Evil Puskins, You has Pusskins by the leg and it grabs and breaks a bottle then uses the broken edge as a knife while trying to get money out of You’s wallet. You finally grabs the cat and throws it out the door.

And you can’t even speak English, you yelled.

Evil Puskins: Mee-ow

I: You understood these cats, they filled that need we both have for tenderness and combat. They gave me allergies.

The door slams and the screen is black.

There is a sneeze and the sound of itching.

On the black screen a door opens and I is in silhouette with light flooding in from behind

You said, ‘why not spend the night?’

There is a single beam of light that illuminates only segments of the scene as you and I entangle and begin caressing/dancing the room fills with satellites and planets whirling around their heads. Outside the window a rocket launches. The sound is a collection from machines and throbbing to an almost angelic sound. (possibly an angelic choir singer wonders through the foreground.) The entire scene whirls upward and off screen, lights fade in the distance as if the camera were leaving the earth or turning a bend over a high mountain.

I wondered how many times we would lie to each other.

And suddenly everything is you;

Herons nest here,

A heron flies on to the screen carrying grass in its mouth,

Ground is blessed here,

Rainbows rest here.

a rainbow passes in the background.

I invent a new interference named after you.

A hand holding a phone becomes your face playing a sound that could be interference or moaning.

I think about others you’ve been with, it excites me even more.

The phone becomes two figures and the hand drops it.

I can still taste your kiss, it would make the worlds best sandwich.

The hand picks up a sandwich and the sandwich kisses the screen, then as the camera pulls out, I is eating the sandwich walking down a street.

Several weeks later I found myself on the same street as the Big Ghost Immaterial World.

People are passing on the street, clips of their conversation is heard.

Pray: I don’t want to have a productive life, I just want an entertainment center.

Person 2: A gate with a guard is better because the guard protects the gate

Person 3: A bee has one of those stingers on the end of it, that is like a needle and that goes in your skin, and that would hurt.

I: I was afraid you might see me in this neighborhood and know what I was doing…. but I want to see Vinyla again.

As I passes a window a figure sits up in bed

Figure: I’m worried about our son not obeying the rules.

There is a large crowd all around pushing and shoving there are screams and a gush of air. I stops walking suddenly there is the light from flames on his face

I: The Big Ghost was temporarily closed because a man had set himself on fire outside.

A rectangular piece of stone comes in full screen reading:

PART YOUR HAIR ON THE LEFT

BUY LIFE INSURANCE

PLANT SEEDS IN EVENLY SPACED ROWS

THINK IN BILLIONS

In the Big Ghost we are in a teepee with a fire and pounding drums and delirious dancing a large decorative pipe is being passed around.

Chief: (speaking to Vinyla in a language that sounds like English but isn’t ) Hanaluke floating.

Vinyla looks at I from across the camp fire .

Vinyla : (to the camera ) Now the Chief here wants me to ask you if his are the best dancers you have seen here at the Big Ghost.

I: Well, these are the only dancers I’ve seen at the Big Ghost.

Vinyla: He says ‘Yes, yours are the best dancers at the entire Big Ghost.

Chief: (very excited and talking ) Hanaluke, floating higher, Hanaluke above the clouds, Hanaluke meet the sun and play guitar.

Vinyla: (to the camera) Are you about ready to take our stroll? The Chief here, says he has an 18 year old lover and I am rapidly loosing interest.

A rectangular piece of stone comes in full screen reading:

JUDGE BY POSSESSION MONEY AND POWER

DON’T EAT OUT ALONE

CHOOSE THE BAD NEWS FIRST

THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE PEOPLE

The scene is a cafe’ with a bar named Turing’s, you is sitting at the bar. There are a lot of people in the cafe’ with lots of loud talking and laughing and music. I walks into the cafe’ and sees you at the bar. Suddenly I picks up a table and throw it against the bar, there is the sound of crashing glass and startled silence from the crowd. You and I each have their hands around each others neck choking.

I: I thought you had so much work to do!

I: (as you) I thought you had so much work to do!

Suddenly the scene retracts and the cafe’ is back to the way it was when I walked in, with I standing there looking at you.

I: Maybe there is a better approach. I could call someone and ask what to do,

(I look through a phone book.)

but everyone in my phone book is dead. I decide to send you a drink but then the waitress comes back and says

(as the waitress) ‘the drink you ordered cost fifty dollars’ I decide I can afford to have this argument go on a little longer.

From the back of the restaurant headlights begin to come at the camera. They overtake the image with the sound of screeching tires and a blowing horn I slowly walks down the block toward the Big Ghost. A man approaches I with his drivers license and a yellowed clipping from the paper.

Man: Hey Buddy, look at this.

He holds up a clipping with a headline that says “Plutonium Still Safe” at the top corner it says Metro page 10.

It was me that guarded that plutonium, see here’s my drivers licence to prove it.

Hey buddy, you got any change for a guy like me, I could maybe get into the Big Ghost. Get out of this weather.

I walks on. It is beginning to rain and snow. Realtor and Pray pass.

Realtor: Do you want to have a baby or not?

I walks to the Big Ghost Immaterial World. There is a large poster of Vinyla on the outside of the building. There is a digital display that runs words across the top saying things like: LOW PER MINUTE RATE…. FEEL GOOD AGAIN….VINYLA IS YOUR BEST FRIEND….CREDIT CARDS ACCEPTED…NEW CHARACTERS NIGHTLY….

Wooa

I turns around, A group of three people, (one is a masculine woman laughing and coughing,) are standing by a car, the car screeches away and one of the people throws a bottle that breaks. A door opens into your place, you are laying on the couch watching television. I dives into the frame and the scene becomes liquid. There is a large splash. The breaking glass and squealing tires in the street below slowly fade. In the splash the living room becomes the bedroom, I rolls over in bed and wraps his arm around you. the camera moves out the window. Outside the window snow is silently falling in the street light in the distance the flashing lights of the Big Ghost can be seen.